The Art of Pranking Jessica Day
by Judgmental-Slug
Summary: Nick didn't choose the prankster life, the prankster life chose him.


**My Dad gave me his old laptop because I was laptopless after I broke mine. What was the first thing I did? Watched the New Girl season 2 finale of course. When Jess called Nick childish, this whole idea played in my head and I just had to write it down. I got a little excited, and I'm not entirely happy with this, but I wanted to show my gratitude to everyone that reviewed/favourited/followed my entry for MayaLala's movie contest. It made my day. Anyway, I'll stop blabbering on now. **

Nick decided that he no longer wanted to be an adult.

It started that afternoon when Jess had called him childish.

He made sure she'd regret those words. Plotting was what Nick Miller did best.

He hated kids, and by the end of that day he vowed to make sure Jessica Day despised them too.

Nick had experience in the field of teaching people lessons in complicated, unnecessary ways that took way more effort to pull off than just telling them straight. He knows there are five key phases to any plan, give or take some depending on the complexity of the lesson, or just how spiteful you wanted to be.

Phase 1: Identifying the purpose.

Just why did Nick want to see Jessica Day squirm each time a kid in her class made direct eye contact with her? Or any time a child came within touching distance from her? Or whenever she walked past one of those drooling, snot-nosed demons in those tiny corridors? Because children are monsters. Their bodies are way too small, that it kind of freaks him out. They could suffocate you with a pillow or strangle you with dental floss at any given moment and they'd get away with your murder. Or, they can make louder, constant and more annoying noises that Nick thought humans were capable of. They also turn on their own kind in the playground, when they call each other names or beat each other up for lunch money. Really, they were just like miniature criminals, contained in schools until they were big enough to escape. And Jessica Day was simply enabling them.

Phase 2: The planning stage.

If a plan is going to work, you've got to plot every single detail out until you don't understand science any more. Nick knows this, and he's capable of thinking out every single consequence of his plan to ensure for the most brutal punishment. You've got to know the victim inside and out, and Nick's pretty sure he can predict was Jessica Day is thinking most of the time. Okay, well maybe sometimes. She is a girl. He knows her well, so he knows her fears and what she dislikes. Those two components combined result in a tasty payback soup of bitterness and revenge. An evil laugh while plotting is optional.

Phase 3: The punishment

Nick has planned and plotted and schemed, and now Phase 2 is over. It is time to put his plan into action. He borrows a child (Winston's niece) and is ready for Phase 3.

"Hey, Marissa." Nick welcomes her with a sly smile as Winston returns to the loft, niece in tow. "I'm Nick."

"Winston, why is he smiling like that?" Marissa asks, eyeing him suspiciously. "It's creepy."

"Yeah, well Nick is creepy." Winston sighs. "I can't believe I let you rent out my niece."

"Shh Winston. I didn't even pay you so it's not renting."

"What is my payment then?" Winston asks as casually as possible.

"Free drinks at the bar." Nick shrugs. "Now I need to talk business with Melissa."

"Marissa." she corrects him.

"Right. Whatever. Please take a seat."

"I'm going to work. Look after Nick, Marissa. He's getting weirder than I do when there's pranks involved now."

10 minutes later, Nick is $50 down, and the cookie jar now belongs to Marissa, but the ten year old girl is in.

"Hey guys." Jess calls, closing the loft door behind her.

She spots Marissa seated at the breakfast bar.

"Hi, I'm Jess and you are?" Jess holds out her hand are slouches down a little to the girl's height.

"I don't like you." Marissa snarls, and turns away.

Nick sniggers from the doorway, silently. Poor Jess.

Later on, she tries again.

"Hey Marissa, what'cha doing there?" she asks sweetly, peering over her shoulder to see her drawing.

Jess had got so obsessed with the fact that the kid didn't like her that she forgot to ask why she was here anyway.

"I'm drawing." Marissa answers sharply.

"What'cha drawing?" Jess' tone is still sweet.

"My feelings."

"Ah." Jess says. "Is that, err, is that me?"

"Yes."

"But my head is not connected to my body." Jess points out.

"I cut it off." Marissa says simply.

Jess clutches her throat and gulps audibly while backing away.

Nick hides in the bathroom as Jess escapes to her room, eyes wide.

Wow, Jess is stubborn.

But that's okay, Nick knew that and planned for it.

"How about we go to my room and you can try on some of my make-up?" Jess offers.

Marissa turns to Nick, who is sat on the sofa, and when he gives a discreet nod she follows Jess to her room.

"How about I do _your _make-up." Marissa smiles sweetly.

"Okay!"

Poor, unsuspecting Jess.

"Oh," Jess gaps looking into the mirror after Marissa had finished concoxing her magic like a spider spinning a web. "It's...great."

She has red lipstick scribbled on her lips, black eye shadow scattered across most of her forehead, and her faces seems to be white like a ghost.

"You have to wear it like that all day." Marissa demands.

"Oh, I'm not sure, I wouldn't want to spoil it."

Nick got more than he bargained for with Marissa. Thank God she didn't taken after Winston in the pranking department. This was pure gold.

She burst into tears and escaped from the room. She found Nick in the kitchen, and she threw her arms around him. Nick resisted the urge to push her away. It was_ touching _him. But this was for the cause.

"The lady was mean to me." Marissa sobbed, convincingly when Jess appeared in the kitchen.

"Jess!" Nick looked up at Jess, a fake shocked look on his face.

"What? No, I'm sorry. I'll keep it on." Jess agrees.

Nick reaches into his back pocket and slips a dollar into the Marissa's hand that is stationed out of view of Jess.

"You like it?" she asks Jess, detaching her arms.

"I love it."

And Jess goes all day with that make-up on, looking like a human notepad that belongs to a bored school kid.

Phase 4: The knock out punch

That was all part of the preparation. Now it's time to kick her while she's down.

Marissa had continued on her rampage and had successfully trashed Jess' room, along with the hall for good measure.

"What did you do to my room, Marissa?" Jess asks, hands on hips and foot tapping the ground.

Marissa scans the room to see if Nick is there. He's not, so she tells Jess "I hate you. You're mean!" and then skips around the apartment screaming at the top of her lungs.

This girl's good.

It wasn't long before Winston came to pick Marissa up.

"Have a good time?" he asks, gathering her things.

"No. It was boring." she shrugs, and Winston follows her out of the door.

Jess is silent, and Nick glances at her from the corner of his eye.

She is about to explode.

"Why didn't she like me?" Jess asked him erratically. "Kids love me! I was nice to her and everything."

Nick just shakes his head, and Jess retires to her room, where he knows she'll dwell on it for hours.

Phase 5: The conclusion.

Jess appears at Nick's doorway with watery eyes.

"Am I a failure, Nick?" she asks, her voice uneven.

Maybe he took this too far.

"No Jess! Why do you think that?"

"Because Marissa hated me." she sighed. "I thought I was good with kids, Nick. Obviously not."

"Look, Jess, you're great with kids." he moves closer to her. "I let things get a little far. I mean, I didn't think you'd cry-"

"Wait, what?"

Rule numero uno: Never, under any circumstances, let the victim know there was a plan.

"You made her do this, didn't you?"

"Well, there was bribery involved-"

"Nick, how could you do this! You're so immature and,"

"And?" Nick prompts. "Go on say it."

"Childish!" she yells. "Oh my God, that's why you did this! To teach me a lesson."

Nick becomes very interested in his shoes and stares at them.

"That just proves how childish you really are." she narrows her blue eyes at him.

"I'm a child, Jessica?" he shouts.

"Yes!" she says.

"Well then, I better act like one." he says, rushing out of the room to turn on cartoons.

"You already are!" she yells, but he already has Disney Channel turned up at maximum volume.

She follows him into the living room, where he is jumping on the sofa.

"Play with me, I'm bored." he complains in a high pitched voice.

"Nick stop it, what are you doing?"

"Being a child." Nick throws the cushions on the sofa at her.

"This is ridiculous!" she states, dodging the cushion. "When you act like a grown up and come back to reality we can sort this mess out."

"Growing up is hard." Nick yells at her as she flees to her room.

Nick calms down, and reflects on all he has done inside a fort constructed of pillows and sheets.

"Nick?" Jess asked gently. "Nick can I come in?"

"Go away Jess." he calls from inside.

"Nick!" She sighs, and climbs in anyway.

The fort is illuminated by a torch, highlighting the various objects scattered around.

He notes that she was now make-up less.

"Dammit Jess. No girls in the fort. I made a _sign_." he argues.

Despite herself, Jess thinks he looks adorable.

She shuffles and positions herself next to him.

"Look Nick. I'm sorry. I really am." she says gently.

He's silent for a moment.

"You were right Jess. I'm childish." he admits quietly.

"No, you're not." she assures him. "I was just really mad at you. I, I take it back."

Intently, he looks up at her.

"Besides, who am I to talk? I'm thirty and I still love glitter and hats and kittens."

"And I still loving pranking, eating dessert before dinner and winding people up." he adds.

"Mature is just another word for boring." Jess chuckles warmly.

"I had so much fun being a kid that I got a little carried away. I'm sorry." realization lit up his features. "Oh my god I'm turning into Winston!"

"No, Nick, you're perfect as you are." she smiles, radiating genuine.

After a moment's silence, she rests her head on his shoulder.

"Ouch!" She cries, and reaching down, she pulls out a crayon from underneath her.

"Were you colouring Nick?" She questions, a smirk on her face.

"What else was I supposed to make the sign with?" he laughs defensively.

"You're right, it's way more fun being a kid." she sighs contently.

Nick realizes Jess is asleep when her breathing shallows and becomes more steady.

Nick drifts off soon after that, matching his breathing with hers.

You see, there's always a sixth phase, kids. And that's called Forgive and Forget.

**Good? Bad? Okay?**


End file.
